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For nerds like me, only

Touch Me

~ Wednesday, October 15, 2003
 
In my attempt to learn more about that little Frimcha bitch who’s been trying to steal my boyfriend, I stumbled across The Hasidic Rebel, a fascinating blog written by a Hasidic man who appears to be reaching out to mainstream culture.


But last night I forgot to bring along said concealment method, and as I stepped out of my car I slid the video under my arm trying my best to look natural. Two Chasidic men from my Shul were just then approaching. Attempting to avoid their prying eyes, I tried to hurry before they notice anything. Suddenly the video slipped out from under my arm to the ground behind me just as the two men walked past. They glanced down to see what fell as I scrambled to retrieve it, and then continued walking without a second glance. That's when I realized that to these men the familiar Blockbuster logo or the video case itself meant absolutely nothing. They probably never saw a video in their life; to them it could've been round, triangular, or octagonal.

Although most Chasidim wouldn't know a blockbuster video from a cereal box, they know enough to punish those who are said to be watching one. Should the community find out that I watch videos in my home, my children would be kicked out of school, their friends would be forbidden to play with them, whispers would be heard behind my back wherever I go, and my in-laws would demand that my wife to either put a stop to my sinful behavior or else...

In case you're wondering which video it was, it was Ben Hur--and I thought it was spectacular!



And what happens when he shows the movie to his pious wife?

"I don't like movies with sex scenes," she said, with a rather impatient tone.

"Oh." I was unsure what to say.

She looked at me and asked, "Do you?"

To be honest, I had never thought about it before, at least not consciously. Of course, when I first started watching movies, the sex scenes made me uncomfortable, having been raised in such a sheltered environment that I had never even seen a man and a woman kiss. But I've since watched plenty of movies and the standard fare in most movies no longer made me uncomfortable. After pondering the question a bit, I told my wife that I think sexual elements in a movie can show passion and feeling that cannot be conveyed otherwise. And yes, if it shows that passion then I do like it.

"I don't see how you can enjoy watching something that should be so private. I think it's disgusting to put those elements in movies. Besides, I don't think halachically we're allowed to watch it. All this sex brings impure thoughts and draws one to lust after forbidden pleasures."


~ Friday, October 10, 2003
 
Something quite disturbing has happened in my life recently. I found out that not only has my boyfriend been either cheating on me or trying to cheat on me, but he is doing it with a minor. How did I learn this? Well, I know I souldn't have been snooping, but sometimes I can't control myself. I mean, he went out to get bagels and there his email was, open on his computer.

From : Frimcha Hirsch
To : Xanthus
Subject : Greetings
Date : Thu, 09 Oct 2003 12:47:23 -0400

Dear Mr. X,

I have of lately been reading your interesting online materials. I also found your picture and think you very sexxxy. Would you be interested in a girl like me i wonder.

A bit about me. I am 16 and have travelled all across the united states recently. I live in New York state and go to a private girls school. I donot live with my parents, and I am now free to date boys.

Do you like to make a date?

Sincerely,

Frimcha

**********************

From : Xanthus
To : frimcha_5@hotmail.com
Subject : Re: Greetings
Date : Thu, 09 Oct 2003 13:41:23 -0400

Frimcha,

My little punik.
I've heard about your recent travels. You are a crazy girl.
But you will always be my shayner maidel. Even though you think all my
clothes and suits are shmatta. I am aware they have holes. Let's go
rollerblading!!!

I dream about your tchotchka every night and get so excited I just burst!!!
When can we shtup again? WHEN? I MUST KNOW!!!!

Some day you'll be a Zaftig and make me so many sweet cakes I'll never be
hungry.
And I'll just sleep a lot.

You turn me into a horny schmuck,

Mr. X

**************************
From : Frimcha Hirsch
To : Xanthus
Subject : Greetings
Date : Fri, 10 Oct 2003 6:23:36

Dear XXXman

Yes, I am like Steve Martin. A wild and crazy punik. I am so wild crazy that I have a ring in my punik even.

Your email has made me frayleich. You know what I like to do? Lick your schmok like a big cone of frozen cream. That would really make me frayleich.

Fun,

Frimcha

***********
When Xanthus returned I pretended like nothing was wrong, ate the bagel that he brought me, and then went home. At home I immediately googled Frimcha Hirsch. Look what I found:


On the road with Frimcha and Elky

I wasn't sure what I was going to do. But luckily, today I found this email in Xanthus' outbox:

From : Xanthus
To : frimcha_5@hotmail.com
Subject : Re: Greetings
Date : Fri, 10 Oct 2003 15:12:24

Frimcha,

I have a sexy girlfriend already. Perhaps we can be "friends".

I know I said some stuff before and did things before that I probably shouldn't have, but we could still go Rollerblading you know.

On the other hand. How sweet is your PIE?

Xanthus

**************
So it looks like my problem has solved itself, don't you think?
~ Thursday, October 02, 2003
 
Is Radiohead the elevator music of the Millenium? Just wondering.

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